Gosh, I should be rocking this blog out with widgets and gadgets and the like, but I'm in the middle of so many things. I think I'm censoring myself, so I'm going to post some of my life stories. Here is one that I'm leaving behind.

Almost two years ago, I became intimate with a guy I've known for years. Let's call him Zen, no new age affiliation. Anyway, here was a guy I first disliked then out of the blue I developed an attraction to him. Leading up to our getting to know each other better, I got the impression that he had someone already in his life. I never approached him in a romantic way.

Anyway, one day, I was in a good mood and he was there and we got to talking. I got his number and soon we were talking on the phone. We got close and he slept over once and boy was he divine. Let's just say I was smitten. Over the next two years we were on and off and I found out he was a male escort and had someone in his life.

I would get frustrated because he would say he was coming over and never did. I would be honest with him about falling in love and he would be negative. I remember being in such a carefree mood that I called him and said I won't be in his face anymore. As usual he said sure and sound like I was on my way to the off side of our situation. About two weeks passed and out of the blue he called to say Good Morning. That started the ball rolling again and as usual the same frustrations arose. I decided after much thought that this was not going anywhere so I said my good bye. The last time we spoke was more for me to have a verbal closure.

I must say I was doing pretty good, then he came into the hardware on last Sunday. Consciously or unconsciously, I did not allow myself to be alone with him. I felt a bit of hostility from him, but it's his problem. I won't lie to you, I wanted/want to text him for shopping at the hardware, but I see it will only open a door that needs to remain close.

I've spent to much time trying to figure out what his deal is. All I know is whoever this person in his life is, he has cheated on her on many occasions. Well, that is my deduction.

Whatever the case is, yes, I cared immensely for him, but he did feel the same. I, for, one knows how it feels to be with someone who adores you, but who you don't adore. All I know is I am taking it one step at a time and I will find someone worthy.

A funny thing is I think his coming to the hardware was a power play, and I think I won, because when I played the replay in my head, I came out on top.