Bad News

7:55 PM

Well.... I got some bad news today. I've been working towards getting a little store space in town to set up a business. Originally it was going to be a store that sells locally made crafts and then I switched it to an internet cafe. Today, I found out that I didn't get the store space.

It's strange, I'm so used to being sad and disappointed with life that I don't even feel, well I don't feel anything. It's just another disappointment. It's a numb feeling, so numb that tears can't even fall. Don't get me wrong, I'm down, but I'm not out. There will be another time. I just wish I could just feel something, to cry my eyes out, to be overwrought. For some strange reason, I don't feel like I'm allowed. Got to keep strong. But for what? For whom?

Sometimes, I would say I wish I did drugs. "God, I wish I did coke." When customers come to ask stupid questions, or demand things, you have to bend over backwards to produce. Don't get me started about suppliers, "Yes, I know your bank is on your backs, but you know the economy down here is shyt too." "One of our best customers owes us over $100,000.00, but he's having problems, too." Then there are the employees who think that they are your saviour simply because they came to work, but hardly work, and can up and walk off the job when they please. Does anyone know how hard it is to be the rock of Gibralter?

God forbid that you feel bad because you have an attitude. God forbid if you feel sad or mad or just moody, because that is not allowed. God forbid if you stick to your policies or your guns because that is not allowed. God forbid if you should cry because you're not allowed.

Well, that was just me releasing a lot of pent up pain. I'm going to be honest we you, I don't like my life. 5 Years have passed and I have nothing to show for it. I think that is going to change. In fact I know that is going to change, I'll be damned if I let anyone tell me how my life is going to pan out. That is my choice. One of my favourite movie moments comes from the movie Death Becomes Her, it's at the end Bruce Willis character got away from the two women in his life and chose to live and at his funeral the minister giving the eulogy was describing the full life he lived. I've said it countless times, I want to be able to look back at my life and be happy with all I've done.

That's all folks.

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