I Get It, Now

12:09 PM


In my late teens into my twenties, I used to say/think/believe that I got along better with men than women. It was my belief that I just didn't get women, that I didn't get along women and I believed that men were just easier to get along with. In fact, the first friends I made in college were guys, one was a big African American, Gavin, and the other was a gay Hawaiian, Chad. And the sad truth was I didn't trust relationships with women.


Oh sure, I had female friends and we would get along, but I feel like I had an underlying element of distrust. I didn't trust that they would like the true me, or what I thought was the true me. There was the very controlled Kimolisa and every now and then, the real Kimolisa would come out (when I was drunk or incredibly happy). The controlled Kimolisa tried to do the right thing and not rock the boat.

Lol, I remember once a female friend invited me out to a pizza place near to college and I felt so awkward. I was nervous and I kept thinking what is this all about. Can't compute. Why does she want to spend time with me? How do you do this? I was so worried about a simple thing of hanging out with a female, but I've hung out with guys with no problems. I eventually got through that and I enjoy hanging out with my female friends, but it is only recently that I got it.

A friend had organized a chocolate decadent party with a small guest list of women at my sister and my house. It was only then that I truly understood the coming together of women. I now understand The Red Tent and Waiting to Exhale. I now understand why the women keep coming to the little salon at the back of my mother's store every day. We, as women, need that communion, that spiritual and mental brushing of the soul.


Going into it, I decided that that evening I was giving of myself. I remember in a video with Thich Nhat Hanh, he said that one of the ways you show love is by giving of your time and your attention. That is what I did, I didn't want to think of my problems, I wanted to be present for these women, I wanted to hear how they felt, I wanted to be that proverbial shoulder and say take a rest for a minute, put down your burden, let loose your hair and just be. 

I wanted nothing but to be in the presence of people being authentic, showing their strengths and weakness, and being supportive of each other. And you know what I think everyone left feeling that their souls were nurtured. To the point where we are saying we would do this again, and yes, we will do it again. Maybe once or twice, we will have a man around to interject his male perspective but most likely we will place him in the corner with a chocolate cake.

Now, I get it. Now I understand that in the coming together of women, we just want to be heard, we just need to be supported, comforted, told that we are not alone in this journey of being a woman. We need to just be there, not to judge, not to solve a problem but simply nurture the soul of a kindred spirit.

Every now and then I would hear women say that they don't get along with women, that they prefer to hang out with men, and I can't help but think that they haven't met the right set of women. They haven't met the women who are doing things, being someone and juggling the balls of life but still have the time to say, "Girl, you are going to be okay." And they would mean it.

To these women who don't have that coven, that circle, I say be the person you want to meet. Be the woman who will nurture, who will take that call late in the night, who will bake that cake when home girl needs it, and you will see that circle form.

I don't need to exhale, but right now, I'm breathing just fine.

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