I Hate This Part Right Here

8:49 PM

This post is not about this particular song, but the chorus, I hate this part right here.


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Let me give you the back story. A couple posts back I mentioned a new character in my life, NG who isn't really new as I'm sure I know he existed for more than a year. So the events of the last post happened and I found myself thinking about him and do I want a man in my life when I'm going after what I want in life. Then there was the aspect that, well, I don't have any way of contacting him if I did want to contact him. So, I was still figuring out if it is something I want to pursue when I met a guy who he knew who was looking for a job and who he sent. My dad vetted the guy and I just hired him because we needed someone. One of the first things the guy tells me is that NG wanted me to call him and he had the number to give me.

So I waited for later in the day and called. He was surprised that the guy gave me the message like that. He was saying that I can give him a call just to talk and if I'm okay with that. I said that it was up to him and he asked if we're not talking. Well I had some work to do and I got the impression he was in the middle of something, so we said our good byes.

Which brings me to the song, I Hate This Part Right Here. I don't know what to do, I don't know if it's me or the business he's interested in. I don't know if I want to open my heart to be hurt. I don't know if I want to walk down that old road of someone liking you and trying to figure out if it's you or your body or your sexuality. I'm afraid that this is an opportunity that I might lose like a couple before. I guess I was content in loving and having fun with myself and I haven't come to the realization that someone else might love the same things I love about myself. Deep I know.

But what is my next step? God, it's so much easier being on the outside looking in. I guess I can look at it as a test, how I deal with it will show if I've grown from nervous to secure. I guess it is a matter of stepping out on faith and communicate more. So should I call? When should I call? I guess I have to look at the situation as though I'm looking on on a friends situation. All I know is, I would rather a friend than a sexual partner and if that is his angle, a sexual partner, I'm out.

I'm going to stop or I swear I will end up rambling.

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