Why Am I Single #107:23 PM
Answer #10: I don't know what I want
Honest to Betsy, I don't know what I want both in a relationship or a man. I had planned to do this post before I read astluce's comment to the last WAIS post, but she brought it home for me. You know how you can know the theory of something but you still don't follow through. I told you I was book smart, not street smart. So where do I start?
Growing up I knew that I wanted to get married, correction I knew that it is expected to be married but because of my childhood issues that view point got screwed up. The thing is I do want to be in a relationship, I do want to be married but I never thought much about the mechanics of doing so. So I would think to myself and say to the universe "I want a man" and out of the blue, a man appears. Strangely enough, I never made the connection between my request and the appearance of a man.
So I would get to know the man and it just wasn't right. Yes, he was a man but something was missing. To say I've disappointed my share of men is an understatement. Then I started to take notice of the Law of Attraction and reading articles about meeting "the one" like this one. I would follow them half-hardheartedly and I would get half ass results.
For instance, recently I wrote a list of things I wanted in a partner. The things on the list were emotional/character traits - confidence, good humour, great conversationalist. I typed it up, printed it, laminated it and put it beside the mirror in my bathroom so I would see it everyday. I would say less than a week later a man appeared and I swear, it was as though he sneaked into my apartment and looked at my list. Was he right for me?
He was missing an important thing - chemistry. Granted the list was short and was just generic qualities, looking at it now, I have to sit down and really write a thorough list of what I want and need in a life partner and from a relationship. Also this is not relegated to just relationships, but also life. If you don't state what you want clearly, life, the universe, God is going to give you whatever and I doubt it will make you happy. No, I can vouch for that, it will not make you happy.
Now, I want to say that I've got this list started and I'm almost done but I would be lying. For some strange reason I'm a little afraid of the magic. I guess it's because it shows what is possible and what I am capable of doing. It's also because part of me still thinks I'm not ready yet, I still have a little more to go in becoming the person I want to be, the person I'm supposed to be. I guess by creating the partner list, I will be taking a good look at myself and there will be some serious questions I will have to answer.
Looks like I have to do what I got to do and really grow up and go after what I want. I'm already on the road to self love, understanding my self worth and for the first time in a long while I'm doing things I enjoy, I'm on the edge of a great change and I think this is just one more thing to a better life.
Alright, this post has gone all new age-y, basically be real with yourself, know what you want and ask for and go after what you want.