Kimolisa Was Here

In my late teens into my twenties, I used to say/think/believe that I got along better with men than women. It was my belief that I just didn't get women, that I didn't get along women and I believed that men were just easier to get along with. In fact, the first friends I made in college were guys, one was a big African American, Gavin, and the other was a gay Hawaiian, Chad. And the sad truth was I didn't trust relationships with women.


Oh sure, I had female friends and we would get along, but I feel like I had an underlying element of distrust. I didn't trust that they would like the true me, or what I thought was the true me. There was the very controlled Kimolisa and every now and then, the real Kimolisa would come out (when I was drunk or incredibly happy). The controlled Kimolisa tried to do the right thing and not rock the boat.

Lol, I remember once a female friend invited me out to a pizza place near to college and I felt so awkward. I was nervous and I kept thinking what is this all about. Can't compute. Why does she want to spend time with me? How do you do this? I was so worried about a simple thing of hanging out with a female, but I've hung out with guys with no problems. I eventually got through that and I enjoy hanging out with my female friends, but it is only recently that I got it.

A friend had organized a chocolate decadent party with a small guest list of women at my sister and my house. It was only then that I truly understood the coming together of women. I now understand The Red Tent and Waiting to Exhale. I now understand why the women keep coming to the little salon at the back of my mother's store every day. We, as women, need that communion, that spiritual and mental brushing of the soul.


Going into it, I decided that that evening I was giving of myself. I remember in a video with Thich Nhat Hanh, he said that one of the ways you show love is by giving of your time and your attention. That is what I did, I didn't want to think of my problems, I wanted to be present for these women, I wanted to hear how they felt, I wanted to be that proverbial shoulder and say take a rest for a minute, put down your burden, let loose your hair and just be. 

I wanted nothing but to be in the presence of people being authentic, showing their strengths and weakness, and being supportive of each other. And you know what I think everyone left feeling that their souls were nurtured. To the point where we are saying we would do this again, and yes, we will do it again. Maybe once or twice, we will have a man around to interject his male perspective but most likely we will place him in the corner with a chocolate cake.

Now, I get it. Now I understand that in the coming together of women, we just want to be heard, we just need to be supported, comforted, told that we are not alone in this journey of being a woman. We need to just be there, not to judge, not to solve a problem but simply nurture the soul of a kindred spirit.

Every now and then I would hear women say that they don't get along with women, that they prefer to hang out with men, and I can't help but think that they haven't met the right set of women. They haven't met the women who are doing things, being someone and juggling the balls of life but still have the time to say, "Girl, you are going to be okay." And they would mean it.

To these women who don't have that coven, that circle, I say be the person you want to meet. Be the woman who will nurture, who will take that call late in the night, who will bake that cake when home girl needs it, and you will see that circle form.

I don't need to exhale, but right now, I'm breathing just fine.

Answer: Me

• Cooking
• Make up
• Dancing
• Using my body - exercise etal
• Alternative rock & hard rock 
• Jazz

My thinking was if they had negative reaction to what I liked, then I better not do anything I liked to do. The thing is their negative views are based on their lives and their inability to look beyond their existence. I've gotten so used to people governing what I did that I would turn to others to guide my life. The truth is they have their own lives to live. They can easily muck up your life with their good intentions. They don't have your perspective on life.

Also you can give only so much of yourself and people are not looking to see if they are taking too much, they view it as unlimited resource. The thing is when you give so much to others, eventually there will be none for you.

At the end of the day, the reason why I'm single is I didn't make the concerted effort to not be single. I didn't make the choice to want to be in a relationship. I focused so much on the outside that I didn't work on the inside and making myself the kind of person I would date and have a relationship with.

I'll be honest, I think I'm rambling. LOL! I can go on and on with these random thoughts but I'll leave you with this:
... and I love the wild thing in me.

Honestly speaking, when I wrote the last post I really wasn't expecting feedback, but boy, did I get feedback!! First of all thank you for sharing your thoughts and this is one of the times I miss college where you can get together with a bunch of friends and just chat about a given topic. I wish I could have you guys over with a large pizza and a couple bottles of wine to just talk about relationships and anything else under the sun.

At first, I was a little taken aback because my ways of thought were being challenged, but then it dawned on me that that actually will help me grow as an individual and not be stuck in an outdated way of thinking. Awesome!!

So let's jump in, for those who haven't read the original post, click here, also check out the comments they have been very insightful. Now to address the comments:

What Do Women Want?
Robert Gibson asked a really good question, what do we as women want and to be honest some of us don't know. Society, aka the media, romance novels, Disney movies, rom com's, have given us a generic concept of what we want - tall, dark and handsome, sensitive yet masculine, blah, blah, blah - but then we have what we see in our immediate lives. Yes, a woman might be looking for a nice guy but then she sees how her single mom had to struggle and work to maintain the family without a man. She sees how to be strong and not needing a man but still expects her man to be strong and be a man because that is what society says she should expect from a man. God I don't even know if I'm making sense. LOL!

The only thing, I can say is know yourself, be the best you, when you got that down pack, be on the lookout for people who got their isht together. You see, when you have two whole people who know who they are and are just enjoying life they will only enhance each others' lives instead of bringing new drama.

Also check out this movie, I found it back in 2009 when I started blogging and it shows one of the sides to black relationships, it's called Diary of a Tired Black Man, here is the link to the post I did.

Two Alphas in The House
One of my friends from High School, astluce, pointed out that both she and her husband are Alphas. For real, this blew my mind and gave me hope. It also showed that I got sucked into the whole propaganda of men not being able to handle a strong woman. Looking back at it, I think it is the men who can't handle a strong woman that complain the most. *smh*

I mentioned before that I worked at a hardware store and it is only now I realize that some of those men don't know what to do with a strong woman. I know for a fact that I've toned down over the last seven years because I've seen actual fear in some men's eyes or they try to be condescending when or have the look of what should they do. Also in the construction industry down here, it's all chat and some of these men can't deliver, now I'm kinda pissed that I've changed to make others feel comfortable.

Truth be told (I'm going to be sappy here, I've accepted my sappiness and you should too) astluce and her husband are really a cute couple and their relationship is something to aim for. I'm just happy that they've pointed out that yes, two strong people can be together and make it work. It reminds me of the focus exercise Tony Robbins does in his seminars where if you focus on something, you see it wherever you look and if you really focus you can see very successful, strong couples.

I must agree with her, though, I may not find my significant other on this rock called Wadadli, perhaps I should hang out with the Italians down at English Harbour. "Ciao, bello!"

The Evolution of Gender Roles

source

Robby Breadner gave me hope by stating that not men are locked into gender specific roles. I always felt that I was wrong in being able to handle my own DIY stuff. I never came to work and proudly said how I fixed my toilet or installed a light fixture. That's not something women go around gloating about, but it's nice to know that as we evolve as humans we are doing away with traditional roles and just being human, doing what needs to be done.

The only thing is that not all of us are evolved. There are a lot of people who hold on to old ideas because they have never worked out what would work for them as individuals. They take them on as their beliefs and when those beliefs are questioned, they fight for them like wild cats.

There is a lot of talk about class warfare, but has anyone ever thought about ideological warfare. The divide between the thinkers and the non-thinkers, those whose lives are based on a true understanding of themselves and their needs and those who follow any and every thing, be it the latest dance hall tune to the drug dealer they look up to. The sad thing is, in Wadadli at least, I see the latter overtaking the island and creating more.


I really appreciate the insight from the comments to the last Why Am I Single post, I think they help me to escape the labyrinth of singledom. I'm going to stop here, because this post is long enough. Buena notte, tutti.

Why am I single?

Answer #2: Childhood issues


When I was 8,9 or 10, I was molested on more than one occasion and that messed with my head a bit. Then as I started to develop, I was getting a lot of unwarranted attention from grown men and that did a number on me too.

Let me explain, the best I can. I think in the Catholic church or somewhere that there is an age of reason which is I think 7. Don't quote me on this mind you. But when you turn 7 you are suppose to know better when it comes to your actions. I believe from about that age going forward that you really take a good look at the opposite sex and see a distinct difference. Sometimes you start having crushes on certain people and yadda yadda, you might not rough house as much as you used to, well in the case of girls. For me, that is the age where you form your beliefs of relationships with the opposite sex and most times it's a pure thing, but what happen if that pure thing has been tainted.

Between the molestation and the unwanted attention, I tried not to gain the attention of the opposite sex. In a way, I became asexual, just not being interested in relationships. Looking back at it, it was more a punishment for letting someone take advantage of me. Also, I believed that no one would like me because of what happened.

The sad thing is something like that happening in your childhood can rob you of so much. Because of it I slouched a lot, I became very introverted, very shy and quiet. Didn't try new things. I remember one time, my family and I were in Trinidad with some family friends and where we staying had a pool table. I have a strong like for pool that borders on love even though I can't play. One day, I went over and tried my hand at it, a man had come in the room and tried to "teach" me how to play. I didn't try to play on that table again.

Okay, too much info? yes, but that is something I have to work through. It is so easy to blame everything outside of yourself for your problems, but a simple shift of perspective can do wonders. Now I just have to train myself to see men as non-threatening, as well as be able to identify the dogs.