Kimolisa Was Here

 So I was surfing the internet when I came across a YouTube video about one thing which led to another and before I know it I was watching clips from Orange is the New Black. Then in the related videos they had a pic of Stella who is played by Ruby Rose. Now the pic is small, but I was drawn to the on point hair, so I clicked on it. All I can say is dayum, the woman is attractive.

You know the type of attractive where you state, "I'm not gay but if I was......" And don't play like you don't know what I'm talking about. We've all agreed that Angelina Jolie is gorgeous, but I think what sets Ruby Rose, and even Angie, apart from other gorgeous women is the "fuck it, this is me" vibe. I'm not talking the Rhianna "fuck you, I'm me" vibe, but the "I'm doing me and it has nothing to do with you" vibe.

It doesn't beg to be noticed, it just is. So yes, I got a girl crush on Ruby Rose and I'm cool with it. If anything, she's an inspiration to not let society dictate who and what you are, just walk your own path.



Image Credit: Reddit, Ruby Rose, Inside Jamari Fox

Of late I've been thinking of doing this series of post called Becoming Venus. In part it is my journey in becoming a woman and in part it is a guide for my daughter (when I have her) on her journey in becoming a woman. Among many things, it will visit the themes of self love and acceptance, finding one's path in life and tapping into one's inner wisdom.

I know there are many blogs that speak on these themes and I questioned if I should even add my voice to the chorus. Then I figure what the hey, why not? If anything it will clarify my runaway thoughts and give structure to what I would share with my mini me or myself when I was younger.

Why Venus

Whenever I think of the goddess Venus, I think of this image,

Then there is the mythology of Venus, according to Ancient History Encyclopedia,

In this respect, becoming Venus is about cultivating love, embracing one's sexuality, beauty and fertility, as well as being victorious in one's endeavours. All of these is what makes a woman a woman, in my estimation anyway. I am all for equal rights, but not to the degree that we lose what makes us different from the other sex.

Now I know that there are those who are not interested in cultivating their feminine wiles, those who accept themselves as they are, and to them, I say "Do you". But there are some of us who were just wondering around in the wilderness trying to figure out how to be a woman and/or trying to develop into the woman we were meant to be. Not a woman sculpted by the outer world but one developed by the inner being.

• A woman who understands and loves her body, 
• A woman who continues to grow and develop mentally and spiritually.
• A woman who meets and exceeds her expectations for herself
• A woman who knows her strengths and weaknesses
• A woman who can nurture and support her significant other and children, ensuring that they are assets to society, not liabilities

Now I don't have all the answers, I don't think anyone does. I'm still on my journey, and although in society, I am considered a woman, it does not mean that I am one entirely. There is still room to grow, to become the kind of woman that is not only beautiful, inside and out, but wise and confident. That is my personal aim. That is when I will become Venus. 

pic sources: 1, 2

Answer: Me

• Cooking
• Make up
• Dancing
• Using my body - exercise etal
• Alternative rock & hard rock 
• Jazz

My thinking was if they had negative reaction to what I liked, then I better not do anything I liked to do. The thing is their negative views are based on their lives and their inability to look beyond their existence. I've gotten so used to people governing what I did that I would turn to others to guide my life. The truth is they have their own lives to live. They can easily muck up your life with their good intentions. They don't have your perspective on life.

Also you can give only so much of yourself and people are not looking to see if they are taking too much, they view it as unlimited resource. The thing is when you give so much to others, eventually there will be none for you.

At the end of the day, the reason why I'm single is I didn't make the concerted effort to not be single. I didn't make the choice to want to be in a relationship. I focused so much on the outside that I didn't work on the inside and making myself the kind of person I would date and have a relationship with.

I'll be honest, I think I'm rambling. LOL! I can go on and on with these random thoughts but I'll leave you with this:
... and I love the wild thing in me.

Answer #11: I wasn't being myself in the relationship
I blame a lot on my childhood issues, but I'm only now claiming responsibility for my life. I now recognize that I had gotten it all confused. I believed that when it came to relationships, I had to become what the other person wanted. God only knows where I got this belief. It's as though it was programed into my brain without me knowing it and like everything else in life I went along with the programming. 

It is only when I really sat down and thought about it, I was so focused on what others thought of me and trying not to be judged that I didn't learn what made me happy. What makes me happy, in some way, defines who I am. I guess you can say my growth was stunted by my accepting that life does not include happiness.

Recently I looked back at my love life and I realized that I was not myself with any of the men in my life. I'm figuring I wasn't with myself with a lot of people. In fact, it is only recently that I tapped into the person I really enjoy being. I remember being on the phone and not knowing what to say or trying to figure out what I should say or how I should act.

Now I have..... what is the word? accepted? discovered? experienced an epiphany that what would initially draw a person to you is your looks, but it is your personality that would keep them. The sad thing is I knew this in theory but it didn't click. Most likely because I didn't have a fully developed personality to speak of. 

It's one's personality that keeps a person riveted to them.  It's one's personality that makes a person fall in love with them. And when I say personality, I mean the little quirky things that makes you you, like the fact that you like Punch soda (an Antiguan thing) or you cry at sappy movies or you call in the mornings just to say hi and wish them a good day. And these things are things you would do naturally as opposed to over-thinking and over-analyzing (I over-analyze a little too much).

It had also dawned on me that not being yourself just does nothing for a relationship. I mean there you are being someone else and that just takes energy away from being true to yourself and loving yourself. It also cheats the person out of knowing the awesome person that you are. Plus, it is also so easy to end up resenting the person because they are so into the person you are trying to be instead of being into the true you.

Why does everything seem so clear when I'm writing these blog post, ugh.... *smh*

I am happy to report that this particular reason for my being single is being addressed, but what about you, have you ever not acted like yourself in a relationship? How did it make you feel?

Answer #10: I don't know what I want

Honestly speaking, when I wrote the last post I really wasn't expecting feedback, but boy, did I get feedback!! First of all thank you for sharing your thoughts and this is one of the times I miss college where you can get together with a bunch of friends and just chat about a given topic. I wish I could have you guys over with a large pizza and a couple bottles of wine to just talk about relationships and anything else under the sun.

At first, I was a little taken aback because my ways of thought were being challenged, but then it dawned on me that that actually will help me grow as an individual and not be stuck in an outdated way of thinking. Awesome!!

So let's jump in, for those who haven't read the original post, click here, also check out the comments they have been very insightful. Now to address the comments:

What Do Women Want?
Robert Gibson asked a really good question, what do we as women want and to be honest some of us don't know. Society, aka the media, romance novels, Disney movies, rom com's, have given us a generic concept of what we want - tall, dark and handsome, sensitive yet masculine, blah, blah, blah - but then we have what we see in our immediate lives. Yes, a woman might be looking for a nice guy but then she sees how her single mom had to struggle and work to maintain the family without a man. She sees how to be strong and not needing a man but still expects her man to be strong and be a man because that is what society says she should expect from a man. God I don't even know if I'm making sense. LOL!

The only thing, I can say is know yourself, be the best you, when you got that down pack, be on the lookout for people who got their isht together. You see, when you have two whole people who know who they are and are just enjoying life they will only enhance each others' lives instead of bringing new drama.

Also check out this movie, I found it back in 2009 when I started blogging and it shows one of the sides to black relationships, it's called Diary of a Tired Black Man, here is the link to the post I did.

Two Alphas in The House
One of my friends from High School, astluce, pointed out that both she and her husband are Alphas. For real, this blew my mind and gave me hope. It also showed that I got sucked into the whole propaganda of men not being able to handle a strong woman. Looking back at it, I think it is the men who can't handle a strong woman that complain the most. *smh*

I mentioned before that I worked at a hardware store and it is only now I realize that some of those men don't know what to do with a strong woman. I know for a fact that I've toned down over the last seven years because I've seen actual fear in some men's eyes or they try to be condescending when or have the look of what should they do. Also in the construction industry down here, it's all chat and some of these men can't deliver, now I'm kinda pissed that I've changed to make others feel comfortable.

Truth be told (I'm going to be sappy here, I've accepted my sappiness and you should too) astluce and her husband are really a cute couple and their relationship is something to aim for. I'm just happy that they've pointed out that yes, two strong people can be together and make it work. It reminds me of the focus exercise Tony Robbins does in his seminars where if you focus on something, you see it wherever you look and if you really focus you can see very successful, strong couples.

I must agree with her, though, I may not find my significant other on this rock called Wadadli, perhaps I should hang out with the Italians down at English Harbour. "Ciao, bello!"

The Evolution of Gender Roles

source

Robby Breadner gave me hope by stating that not men are locked into gender specific roles. I always felt that I was wrong in being able to handle my own DIY stuff. I never came to work and proudly said how I fixed my toilet or installed a light fixture. That's not something women go around gloating about, but it's nice to know that as we evolve as humans we are doing away with traditional roles and just being human, doing what needs to be done.

The only thing is that not all of us are evolved. There are a lot of people who hold on to old ideas because they have never worked out what would work for them as individuals. They take them on as their beliefs and when those beliefs are questioned, they fight for them like wild cats.

There is a lot of talk about class warfare, but has anyone ever thought about ideological warfare. The divide between the thinkers and the non-thinkers, those whose lives are based on a true understanding of themselves and their needs and those who follow any and every thing, be it the latest dance hall tune to the drug dealer they look up to. The sad thing is, in Wadadli at least, I see the latter overtaking the island and creating more.


I really appreciate the insight from the comments to the last Why Am I Single post, I think they help me to escape the labyrinth of singledom. I'm going to stop here, because this post is long enough. Buena notte, tutti.

Answer #9: I don't need a man




Need I say more?

You see there was this guy that just gelled with me, but now looking back at it now (damn 20/20 hindsight) I kept pushing him away. I got mugged and I didn't tell him, I just glossed over it and I could hear in his voice that he would have wanted to hear about it, be there for me. After reading all these post you can see that I'm a little behind on things (book smart, street dumb).

Honestly speaking this post was inspired by this post I came across by Evan Marc Katz. The post was a response to an email from a woman who wanted to know if a smart, strong, successful woman can get a smart, strong, successful man. After reading this, I've come to the conclusion that the answer is no, that was when it really sank in. I've heard it so many times, in so many ways and only now do I get it.

There can only be one Alpha in a relationship. To be a successful person, you have to be an Alpha, for the most part anyway. And when you look at it in relationships you need to be with someone who compliments you and not be exactly like you. You know the whole yin and yang thing.
So the question I have for myself is

Honestly speaking, no, I don't want to be an Alpha.

I'm tired of being the strong one, the shoulder to cry on, the person people ask for advice or ...... Sometimes, most times, I want to turn to someone. I want someone else to take the wheel while I sleep in the backseat. Perhaps my ideal is the hybrid of the Alpha and the Beta, so that the roles are interchangeable.

Lord, I'm getting depressed now. What do you think, people?

• For those in relationships, are you the Alpha or the Beta? 
• For the ladies, do you think adopting the notion that you don't need a man hinders your ability to get a man? 
• Are women nowadays, pushing men away by not needing them financially and for protection, but more for emotional support? 
• Are we, as women, asking men to take on what used to be considered female roles?
• What are we really looking for in a partner?

Comment below and share your thoughts.

Answer #8: I Don't Approach Men

Somewhere there is an unspoken (correction: spoken by those who are forthright enough to say it) rule that men are suppose to approach women. And it is because of this rule, women don't approach men. I guess there is also that feeling that men will not like it if a woman approach them. Perhaps, it will make a woman look desperate if she steps to a man. But here is a little advertised fact that I came across thanks to Paul Carrick Brunson, a modern day match maker,

Answer #7: I'm Too Cynical

I have no shame in my game, I am telling it as it is and I am cynical. According to Google,

cyn·i·cal/ˈsinikəl/

Adjective:	Believing that people are motivated by self-interest; distrustful of human sincerity or integrity. Doubtful as to whether something will happen or is worthwhile.
Synonyms:	sardonic

There is a story so sit back and enjoy.

source

It was one of the last times I attended NYC Fashion Week and I had gone with some friends. Now, fashion week is all about going to the fashion shows which were usually in the tents at Bryant Part. The shows were scheduled for every half hour and just imagine fashionably dressed men and women herding in an out of beautifully decorated rooms. In between you can visit the sponsors various boots in the lounge area and sometimes there would be an liqueur company as a sponsor. That was the case that time or was it just a bar, whatever the case, I was drinking a cosmopolitan for the first time and getting tipsy.

Next thing I know, there is this carmel toned guy with the most divine eyes. I love eyes, I thought you should know. So he struck up a conversation, I found out he was a boxer and he had just boxed in Los Vegas. He even asked for my number which I gave him. I soon after left the tents and told my friend about him, she said it was probably a line.

Even before she said that I already had a negative dialogue going on in my head.

• He's probably looking for designers to start his own line of clothing;
• He's probably a player;
• He won't call;
• What does he really want?

Anyway, I made my way home and to bed (natural thing for me to do especially when I'm tipsy). In the middle of the night my phone rings, El Boxer is on the phone, asking me to go out the next night. Long story short, I said yes, then the next evening I chickened out using the excuse that they weather report was saying a hurricane was coming and I, being Caribbean, don't play around with hurricanes. Lame, I know.

Anyhoo, that evening I looked him up online. Turns out he is not just any old boxer but one of the top boxers in his weight class. Then, when I went to work the next day, I told my friend and some of my co-workers. One of them saw the fight he fought on HBO. Ain't that a bitch!!

The sad thing about it is that did not change my ways, I remained cynical. Not only was I cynical but I didn't believe in myself to think I could handle myself with a man of his caliber.

Now, I know some people who live in Antigua know Big Apple Deli. It was owned by an older couple and the husband was big in the boxing scene in Antigua. The walls of the Big Apple Deli are covered with pictures torn out of boxing magazines and guess whose picture is up there? Ain't that a bitch.

So how do I get over my cynicism? I think it is all about mental conditioning, perhaps wearing a rubberband around my wrist and snapping myself when I have negative thoughts or think negatively of others' intentions. Why is self improvement so hard? I will persevere, as God is my witness.

First things first,

Answer #5: Self Enforced Small Dating Pool


I'm sure you have heard the countless accounts of how bad off black women are in terms of finding a life partner. We are constantly bombarded by media generated content about how little black men are out there who are educated, available, not in jail or willing to settle down. Somewhere there is an unspoken rule that we should not date outside the race.

There are the funny looks, as though you are a representative for a whole race of people and you have let them down. The sad thing is it is acceptable for a black man to be with a white woman but God forbid if a black woman is with a white guy or asian or indian. It is also acceptable for a black woman to have kids out of wedlock. So is it safe to deduce that society would rather us be alone than be with someone outside of our race? Then again, it's truly the loud ignant (note not ignorant but ignant) folk who have a problem with interracial coupling in general.

Don't get me wrong though there are also some internal problems to get past. For instance, will the non-black man understand my hair? Will he understand my culture? Well, my colouring is not the same as the colouring of his race, will he like what he sees? What does he see when he looks at me? Does he see the stereotypical black woman or does he see me?

I know being black is something to be proud of, my fore parents had gone through so much and persevered, but they fought so hard to be viewed as equals to other races. In being equals, race should take a back seat to the character of the individual. It should not divide people but bring them to a place where they can exist on common ground.

So how do I get past it? Once again, open mind and open heart. I saw a clip from a Tyra show, where a Native American woman said her father taught her to look a person in their eyes and see them not the colour of their skin. I'm paraphrasing, of course. From now on, I will look into people's eyes and try to see their souls.

Answer #4: I'm an idiot.


There are many reasons why I would boldly wear the dunce cap but the main one is when I talk myself out of a possible suitor. Yeah I used the word, I can go old school too, suitor. I even wrote a poem about it, want to read it, here it is.

Basically, I would see an attractive male specimen and all the visual points are there, but right after the build up, there is the demolition. What is his deal? Is he in a relationship? Is he married? Is he gay? Would he be interested in me? and on and on and on. Even if he was interested in me, I've already talked myself out of the running. As I said, I'm an idiot.

So how do I rectify this? Well, I've already started, I'm building up my confidence so that I view myself as a worthy contender and someone worth a hello and a conversation. I know it's also a matter of shifting perspective once more, I complain about people putting labels on me in the first Why Am I Single post, but I turn around and put labels on others, shame on me. Then again, we are all hypocrites. Another way of moving forward is living my best life and to stop figuring out what the next person is thinking or their status. Leave my mind and heart open, even if I get hurt I will become stronger for it. It's like a scar, you get cut and the skin grows over but thicker. Hopefully, I don't get hurt too much.

Answer #3: I Settle For The Wrong Guy



Let me paint the scene for you,

Random Person who barely knows me: You married?
Me: No.
RP: You have a boyfriend?
Me: No.
RP: You have kids?
Me: No.
RP: How come? You want someone to help you with that? *leering*
Me: No, thank you.


For some strange reason, my relationship and maternal status is everybody's damn business. Unfortunately, this line of questioning makes my biological clock ring just a wee bit louder and like an idiot, I ask the universe for a man without giving specifics. Within a couple days, the universe delivers a man who just doesn't..... deliver.

Yes, he is a man, but there is no chemistry, no intellectual synergy, no "I so vibe with you and can spend an evening with you just talking", basically, nada. But, I give him a chance because maybe, just maybe he isn't that bad. Maybe, just maybe he has some redeeming qualities that are buried deep, deep, way deep within. I settle even though all my instincts say run like the wind.

The universe has this sad sense of humour, where you are in a relationship with someone and the ideal person comes along and this song comes to mind



Then the opportunity slips by and I'm still stuck with the no chemistry man, then I take a good look at life and realize that no, this is not going to work. And I do what is best for me, what good is it to be with someone if I can't give myself completely to them. Why give them a cup of water, leaving behind a great big lake? Why tuck away all the different aspects of me, just because they just won't get that when I get mad, I start speaking with an accent or in another language. Or some of the most creative and loving people I know are gay and by them speaking badly about gays puts me in a position where I will set them straight. No pun intended.

I read somewhere something that went I am strong enough to wait for the right one and I co-sign that. I co-sign it, because I have settled in the past and it just robs a little piece of me and I somehow cease to be real with myself. Does that even make sense, it doesn't matter because it's my truth. I want love, companionship, support and good conversation to while away the years and I just don't think I should just settle for any old person to meet those needs. I'm just saying.

source

Last night, I went to a screening of Miss Representation that was put on my The Department of Gender Affairs and August Rush (the same group that puts on Expressions: Poetry At The Pub). I've mentioned this documentary on this blog under the post, Worth Watching. It had shown twice on OWN, unfortunately I don't have cable so I missed it both times. I was so happy when I found out that there was going to be a screening that I made sure I was there at the appointed time. There was also time allotted afterwards for discussion. Now, my take on it......

source

I also found it interesting that the media focuses most of its money trying to get the 18-37 male demographic, neglecting to recognize that a major group that watches television are women. One of the things that I've been thinking about is the hyper-sexualization of the media and this documentary had presented my thoughts in a visual format, but went a step further and showcased some of the things that I had not noticed. For instance, I never noticed how short Tinker Bell's dress was.

This was not an all woman, lambaste men documentary, well in my oppinion anyway. I see it as a call to arms for women to think outside the box that we were conditioned to exist in and to pursue jobs and roles that were not held by women. This documentary brought to my attention that perhaps the reason men "hold" women back is because they don't know how to perceive a strong, smart woman. It is easy to put women in a box but what if exist outside their box. Does it make men uncomfortable?

During the discussion after the screening, one woman pointed out that it is not a matter of men and women, it is about having self-confidence. When she said that, everything clicked into place for me. If a man or woman is self-confident, they would not feel threatened by the gains of others, in fact they are more likely to support and encourage the person. Also, the roles of men and women are so ingrained in our societies that it is hard for the majority to be strong enough to accept change.

source

To end at last, great documentary, check out the Miss Representation site, a lot of good stuff and for my part, I will try to put out more post that will encourage thought in you and debate is always great.

If you have seen the film, leave a comment and let me know what you thought of it.

Why am I single?

Answer #2: Childhood issues


When I was 8,9 or 10, I was molested on more than one occasion and that messed with my head a bit. Then as I started to develop, I was getting a lot of unwarranted attention from grown men and that did a number on me too.

Let me explain, the best I can. I think in the Catholic church or somewhere that there is an age of reason which is I think 7. Don't quote me on this mind you. But when you turn 7 you are suppose to know better when it comes to your actions. I believe from about that age going forward that you really take a good look at the opposite sex and see a distinct difference. Sometimes you start having crushes on certain people and yadda yadda, you might not rough house as much as you used to, well in the case of girls. For me, that is the age where you form your beliefs of relationships with the opposite sex and most times it's a pure thing, but what happen if that pure thing has been tainted.

Between the molestation and the unwanted attention, I tried not to gain the attention of the opposite sex. In a way, I became asexual, just not being interested in relationships. Looking back at it, it was more a punishment for letting someone take advantage of me. Also, I believed that no one would like me because of what happened.

The sad thing is something like that happening in your childhood can rob you of so much. Because of it I slouched a lot, I became very introverted, very shy and quiet. Didn't try new things. I remember one time, my family and I were in Trinidad with some family friends and where we staying had a pool table. I have a strong like for pool that borders on love even though I can't play. One day, I went over and tried my hand at it, a man had come in the room and tried to "teach" me how to play. I didn't try to play on that table again.

Okay, too much info? yes, but that is something I have to work through. It is so easy to blame everything outside of yourself for your problems, but a simple shift of perspective can do wonders. Now I just have to train myself to see men as non-threatening, as well as be able to identify the dogs.

One evening, I was in the company of a man and he asked point blank,