7:36 PM


This will most likely be me just rambling some thoughts into the web, so feel free to look away. Are you looking away? Okay, great.

Why did I choose the word projection and what meaning am I putting to it? Well, there are a lot of definitions according to Merriam-Webster Dictionary. A lot of them are the literal/scientific definitions. For me, I'm going on a psychological bend and I'm using myself as an example. God only knows where I'm going from here, lol.

I would say from the beginning of the year to now I've been making changes, I have a new job, a new work environment, a new outlook and a genuine desire of being the best version of me. Kimolisa version 1.3. One of the things I had done was open myself up and drop things. Okay that sounds new age-y and it was quite simple compared to what it sounds like.

One day, I decided to exist in the moment. I stopped thinking of the past, I didn't think of what I had to do and I truly observed the world around me. I started while driving into town and I saw more than I normally would see on a typical drive into town. In doing this, I rediscovered wonder and that thing kids go through when they are embarking on new things. You can say it's a sense of discovery and I truly appreciated the beauty of the world around me.

Strangely, from that appreciation, I had a sense of gratitude that went to peace and love. Told you it was sounding new age-y. Then it gets weirder (why does weird look weird to me?), by stripping away all the thinking, the thinking of the past, the thinking of the future and operating in the now, I was lighter, more carefree, alive even. I owned each moment and appreciated it, existed in it.

In town, I had to go to the bank and out of the blue someone started a conversation. It wasn't awkward and it was like food for the soul. Somehow we connected on a plane above the normal and I guess that came from me not making assumptions of the person's intentions. I saw them as another human being who wanted to share information.

Then later on in the day, in another bank, an older woman started a conversation with me. Another conversation that held a lesson and encouragement. I know when these people approached me, my energy was different. It was charged and alive and somehow it pulled the people in. In that state of mind, I was not trying to hold up the mask of who I am suppose to be, I just was and I didn't really care what people thought. I was enjoying being alive. I could sense people wanting to enter my gravity, people would ask me questions when they would not normally.

So this got me to thinking.

One thing was that "it" factor that some people have. That thing that makes people popular or leaders or the person people turn to. Could it simply be the act of owning one's life, loving one's life and doing what they want? Is it when the person stops looking outside and taps into their inner light, listens to their inner guide and truly becomes who they ought to be? Somehow when you get to that place, you are filled with a crazy mix of happiness, peace and excitement. Perhaps, just perhaps that is what people are drawn to, excitement.

I mean, why do we go to the movies to watch blockbusters if not for the excitement? That controlled adrenaline high, that is so safe that by the time you reach home it's already gone. It's strange how we have to look for the simple, complex excitement from outside instead of the one from inside. Simple because all we do is go to the cinema, but complex because we can't fathom how to find it without going to the cinema.

It's safer this way, isn't it? We don't have to disturb the status quo. We don't have to take the risks. We don't have to face any realities, such as our plans may fail. Instead we collect awesome imagery of others doing awesome things and quotes by great people and basically do shyte. Because it's safe, because we can't imagine doing anything without a safety net. We live in a technological age where information is at our finger tips, but we still stay behind the line of mediocrity.

I have gone off topic, lol. hmmmm projection. lol. okay, you see that Kimolisa who had people chatting her up, she fricking scares me. You see, she is awesome, she would jump on a stage and dance her ass off, she would not think twice about doing something crazy fun, but.... wait for it, there is one big ass but. She draws people in like a fricking lighthouse, she shines so bright that I need those shades they use to view a solar eclipse. I don't hate her, it's just I can't handle all the people who are attracted to her. I automatically, question the people's intention, especially the men.

Due to unsavory shyte happening in my past, I am wary of the attention of men, so I lock that Kimolisa down. I don't let her see the light of day. Why get unnecessary attention? Why put myself in that position? The sad thing is when she gets lockdown in solitary, I don't grow and instead of projecting anything out, I am an empty canvas for others to project their beliefs on. I don't let people know what I am about so they make up a story about me.

Here is something people don't know about me, I hate that shyte. Hate it to high heaven. I hate when people say that I am a certain way or that is not what I'm about. It makes me stop and do a mental "What the fcuk". Wait, when did this happen? How do you know so much about me and I'm still figuring me out? Wait a minute here, while I was sleeping this is the best you can come up with? Aww hell nah!!! I think it's time to correct that shyte.

Here is the thing, in my purest form I love makeup, I have punk tendencies, I am growing to love the pin up girl/40's/50's esthetic, I have a strong urge to climb and I like working out. I like to experiment and I have a strong desire of becoming a better person. For the first time in my life I am drawing on my canvas with permanent markers, that shyte ain't going nowhere. I want people to see me, the me that liked rock and alternative music, who has almost mastered the split, that wants to do a zombie walk. I'm tired of doing what is right, I want to do what is right for me.

Yeah people will say shyte, but people are still saying shyte anyway. As Bonnie Raitt sang, "Let's give them something to talk about."

I love the people who have coloured my life, they have all impacted my life in one way or another. Where I feel like I've let them down is where I haven't been real, you know how they say in the Real World, when people start being real. a couple weeks back I had retweeted this
Certain people from my past might say "You've changed". My reply is "No... You never knew me!"

Yes people, I am on the Twitter, check me here and show some love (aka follow me lol). But people, don't feel no way, because I didn't know me either. Let's just say, right now I'm getting to know me, this could be me trying karaoke, me climbing hills and mountains, me starting a business. Just accept that the me you knew is being upgraded and I promise you it won't be like that FaceBook bullshyte. That shyte is a real shame, lol.

So tell me people, do you think people are really seeing you, really knowing you or have they created their own story about who you are as a person? Thoughts are welcome and remember.... By your powers combined, I still not am Captain Planet!

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