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Right now that is. I find myself writing and saying the following a lot,

It was only after reading a blog post some months back that I realized what I was saying, or not saying. If I had to preface whatever I'm saying with the above phrases, have I been lying the rest of the time? And who have I been lying to?

Only recently, I realized that I've been lying to everyone including myself. I wasn't lying about the day to day stuff, the stuff that fall under the parameters of fact or fiction. I've been lying about the large encompassing stuff, the stuff that represents my character and way of being.

I guess I got caught up on doing the right thing, following the time tested path that I never considered that there were other paths to follow. Paths to be created. The crazy, sad thing is I know what path I'm supposed to take, but I don't because I still believe what society has taught me through school, through the media, through parents and through day to day interactions. I drank the Kool Aid, people, and that ish is nasty.

So what does that have to do with my not getting married? Well for one, growing up, I never saw myself as a wife. I saw myself as a mother, I saw myself as a person with a career (actually as a photographer). I had a dream of being an international photographer with a street savvy kid at my side. Not once did I envision a man.

Don't get me wrong, I love the men. Heck, I have a series of post appreciating men AND I am strictly dickly. But in my heart there is a disconnect. Somehow, I sabotage myself when it comes to men (oh, oh, I'm going deep, putting this into reverse). Let's just say, I'm not ready, I'm not capable right now, but I have a new dream.

I dream of meeting the right man when I'm older, when I'm not looking at my biological clock, when I'm grown, not only physically but mentally. I dream of a 90's love song kind of relationship. I dream of a connection that transcends the physical, the kind that proves that I can find someone who gets my sense of humour, who doesn't mind getting me Gatorade when I've got diarrhea (yes, I went there), who knows how to play my body like a fine instrument.

I've heard men say that that is all fairy tales and something out of Disney, but I want to believe that it's real. I know it's real, but I want to believe that two people can trust each other and be vulnerable with each other and know at the end of the day, they will fight for the other person, through thick and thin.

No, I won't be getting married right now. Right now, it will be like fitting a square peg through a round hole. But I'm working on sanding away the edges and soon enough I will be ready and capable of loving a man the way he should be loved.

Last Word:
Always be honest with yourself, it's so easy to lie to oneself. We lie about the things we like, what we want to do for a living but the first step to getting the life that you want is being true to who you are, being honest with yourself. Are you doing things because you are supposed to or are you doing things because you want to? Every now and then take a moment and check in with yourself, you might be surprised with what you discover.

XOXO