What If I Died

5:11 PM

I've mentioned this on more than one occasion, but 2011 started bad for me. Every now and then I would find myself crying, which is bad because I hate to think of myself as a victim to anything, as someone who has to reach out for support. There is also that thing about not wanting to be judged, I hate that even more. Every time I felt like I was coming to terms with it, I was dealt another blow and before I knew it a quarter of the year is gone. And here I am feeling bad for myself, things were suppose to be different, this was suppose to be my decade. Once again, here I am picking up the pieces.

Then today, less than an hour ago, I thought what would happen if someone tried to mug me and seeing I had no money, just shot me. What would be the first thing I would think, apart from the crazy pain shooting through my body? Would I be happy with the life I lived? Are there things I would have changed? Done differently? Would I die feeling okay that I did and saw all I wanted to see and do?

A lot of those questions had a resounding NO. You see I've been so busy living that I haven't been living. And every time I think of something I would love to do, I keep thinking that I need money to do them. Or I fall into the trap of "I Can't". I grew up where I couldn't do a lot of things because of the family business, and then when I got the freedom to do whatever I wanted, I still have the mentality that I can't do it.

So where do I go from here? I guess it's a matter of quiet reflection and then unrelenting focus. And if anything, I'll channel Bruce Lee,

The letter reads:
My Definite Chief Aim
I, Bruce Lee, will be the first highest paid Oriental super star in the United States. In return I will give the most exciting performances and render the best of quality in the capacity of an actor. Starting 1970 I will achieve world fame and from then onward till the end of 1980 I will have in my possession $10,000,000. I will live the way I please and achieve inner harmony and happiness.
Bruce Lee
Another good thing is my starting my Tumblr, as I've posted a lot of positive pics and quotes like this

Yes the year started crap, but I will make it my most awesome year ever!!

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