I Got Sick

7:10 PM

Saturday morning, I woke up with this weird mucus-y feeling and figured it was a temporary thing. I got up, went for my run, came back and spent most of the day in bed. I progressively got worse. I dragged myself off to work for my 3-11 shift and hoped that it would pass.

I got through the shift, went home and went to bed. I stuck around in bed for most of Sunday, just getting out to get ready and go to work for another 3-11 shift. Thankfully, the achy feeling had passed and overnight I got over the fever-like thing.

 So here's the deal, I've been working at this relatively new job for over three months and had never gotten sick. I've gone to work, did my thing, went home, simple. So what changed? Well for one there is a bug going around and we are in a closed up air conditioned environment. But I'm in shape, I'm eating relatively well, so I should have been able to kick the germs to the curb.

Well then maybe because I'm in transition, I'm starting new project, I'm pushing myself more. That is one component, but I think the straw that broke the camel's back is my upgrade in my position at work. In being put into a higher pay bracket, I have to train new staff in my department. I was all set to do it,

There was a slight hick-cup in the beginning, but then I got through that. I'm training two people and I now have the situation where one person gets it, she understands what is required from her and as far as I'm concerned she can start working on her own. Then there is the other one *smh* sigh. Just thinking about it makes me sigh. I can go on and on about her short comings but this post is not about her. 

I believe that last piece of stress just created dis-ease in me and allowed for this bug to take me down. It was like life was saying whoa honey, take it down a notch. Also here are some things I noticed happened to me because of this experience:
  1. I became very judgmental.  Okay, she's not good on the uptake and lacks basic comprehension skills and shows no real desire to do better in the job she was given. Okay, she has no work ethos at all, but should I really judge her. Then again I am in a work setting, where you are required to produce, to be efficient. Is it my responsibility to turn her into the ideal employee when she doesn't even try to show any potential. It's like trying to grow an oak tree from a corn kernel, it will take a lot of work and magic and time, all of which I really don't have. 
  2. I stopped being mindful and reverted back to living by habit. This is such a lesson on how easy it is to backslide into being your former self instead of becoming your better self. Another lesson is that life is all about practice, you don't really reach a point where you can not do better, there will be times when you are ahead on the path and then other times you slip back a couple paces.
  3. I need to slow down, I can't keep going at full speed. I need moments to get clear on my master plan. To re-focus and remember where I'm going not where people want me to be. That is why taking part in this new project is so important because it takes me away from other people's energy and keeps me focused on what I have to do.
  4. Did I really want this position? So here is how it was: Because two people were released from my department, the company asked for volunteers to work extra hours. I didn't because I didn't think I would want to be too much into the company. I wanted wiggle room. But in the back of my head I was thinking, well that would mean extra money, extra money would be nice. I had money thoughts in my head, so what happens? An opportunity comes up where I can make extra money and have more responsibility. I think people would say I manifested it. The thing is could I have said, thank you but no thank you. Why did I say yes? By stepping into that position I stepped out of myself and took on the role of a senior in my department. Don't worry, I didn't plan on being a tyrant, my plan was to be humble and address the needs of my department. I guess the answer to the question is no, I didn't want this position, I wanted to be a small cog and do what I have to do and go home and do what I want to do.
  5. I forgot the mantra I had adopted - We were not meant to be comfortable. I believe that for one to truly grow and evolve you have to meet some resistance, some conflict. A pearl is created by a small grain of sand that irritated an oyster. Once again, a lesson. How do I make this person understand the job? I already see the problem in the question I just asked. How can I get an individual to take their job seriously and become a valuable employee to my company? I'm going to Google that.
  6. I'm taking my job home. This is the slap in the face, the cold water while I'm sleeping. This job was not suppose to follow me home. When I clock out, I forget about the people I work with, the issues of work, all I do is check my schedule and note it and go about my business. This leads back to the question, Do I really want this position?
I think my best bet is to sit down and meditate on what I really want. You see I have too many positive qualities - reliable, hard working, integrity. Unfortunately, this is what people want in their employees and those they give responsibility to. They know that someone like me doesn't want to bow out of a fight, but is this my fight? Why must I always be a soldier in everyone's army, when I don't even like the purpose of the war? Is it too late to bow out? But why does it feel like chickening out? Then again, what more can I learn from this experience?

Yep, a lot of meditation is need. If you made it this far, thank you for reading my rant and if you have any advice, feel free to leave a comment below. I welcome all comments.

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